‘The Art of Happiness’, ‘The Happiness Hypothesis’, ‘The Happiness Trap’… these are all titles of books on my bookshelf. They’re books which allude to the fact that I’ve been searching for happiness, like millions of others out there. Considering this article caught your attention, I suspect you might be one of those millions?
If that’s the case, you’ll be glad to learn that I’ve discovered the secret.
Brace yourselves…
The secret to happiness is: realising you already have it. I’ll repeat that. The secret to happiness is realising you already have it.
Before I lose you (I can hear you sighing at the simplicity of the “secret”), let me share some evidence.
1. Happiness doesn’t hinge on bigger and better
Despite our common belief, happiness doesn’t hinge on bigger and better. Whether it’s stretching to buy a bigger house or slaving away at work to get a promotion, it’s easy to think: “Once I’ve got this, that and the other, I’ll be happy”.
The problem is, once we’ve got this, that and the other, we quickly adjust to it. ‘Bigger’ and ‘better’ becomes ‘normal’ and we’re no happier than before. A response which, I’m sure, helped us survive change in our more primate form, but one which isn’t very helpful now. Now, it means we’re stuck on an endless treadmill of wanting more – or even needing more – to feel happy.
And a treadmill is exactly what this human trait is known as in the world of psychology – the hedonic treadmill. Psychologist and Behaviour Economist Dan Ariely explains:
This phenomenon is called the “hedonic treadmill”: We continuously chase prestige, thinking it will make us lastingly happy, but we rather quickly revert to our pre-purchase level of happiness.” – Dan Ariely, danariely.com
2. We’re most happy when we’re thinking about now
In fact, there’s scientific research which shows we’re most happy when we’re thinking about now – what we already have. In a study called ‘A Wandering Mind is an Unhappy Mind’, Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert found that people’s minds constantly wander. But despite this, we’re less happy when our minds are wandering. We’re actually most happy when thinking about the task at hand.
What’s more, simply thinking about the task at hand – whatever it might be – is a better predictor of happiness than the intrinsic value of that task itself!
A human mind is a wandering mind, and a wandering mind is an unhappy mind. The ability to think about what is not happening is a cognitive achievement that comes at an emotional cost.” – Matthew Killingsworth and Daniel Gilbert, A Wandering Mind is an Unhappy Mind
3. There’s a difference between happiness and positive emotions
Let’s be realistic though, we’re never going to feel happy all the time. We’re also going to feel unhappy at times. “But surely that disproves your point around already having happiness?” I hear you scream! Hold your horses.
In one of the books on my bookshelf, ‘The Happiness Trap’, author Russ Harris points out a difference between happiness in the sense of “feeling good” and happiness in the sense of “living a rich, full, and meaningful life” (or “living a happy life”, as I put it).
As the Greek philosopher Heraclitus said, “change is the only constant in life.” And this is only too true when it comes to emotions. Emotions constantly fluctuate between positive and not-so-positive, and they always will. It’s an illusion so easy to believe that “Once I’m happy I won’t feel frustrated/moody/angry anymore”. These emotions will always exist. Here’s what Russ Harris has to say about living a happy life:
This in not some fleeting feeling – it is a profound sense of a life well lived. And although such a life will undoubtedly give us many pleasurable feelings, it will also give us uncomfortable ones, such as sadness, fear, and anger. This is only to be expected. If we live a full life we will feel the full range of human emotions.” – Russ Harris, The Happiness Trap
So, happiness isn’t something in the waiting, ready to reveal itself once you’ve achieved ‘bigger’ and ‘better’. It’s actually experienced when you pay attention to what you already have or what you’re already doing. And just because you have a bad day, and feel the full array of not-so-pleasant emotions, doesn’t mean you lack happiness. The surprising secret to happiness then: realising you already have it…
The best way to achieve your happy ever after is to realise you already have your happy ever after.